Happy

I’m not sure I’ll ever be as happy as I know I could be.

I feel that I can take my life in two directions.

The First:  The White Picket Deal

In this scenario, I would get a husband, my cute little fixer upper, a part of the gentrification of a neighborhood,the three kids (hopefully at least one girl) that I so desperately crave.  This is what I’ve wanted since I was little.  I would play house and have babies and have this life.  This superficially happy, picturesque life.  I’ve questioned this desire during some points of my life, but it always seems to come back to this.   Maybe if some things in past relationships had not happened, it wouldn’t be so, but they did.  And this is what I want.  I want this unit of familial love, unconditional and accepting.  I yearn for comfort, comfort that I feel lay here.

The Problem with White Picket

I don’t think I can find anyone I love enough to marry.  In order to go this direction I feel I would have to settle.  I’m deathly afraid of settling, but I’m almost certain I will.  I don’t feel I love or that I love with enough depth if I do.  I don’t want to get divorced.  I don’t want to fail.  I feel that if I was in an unhappy relationship, I would become engulfed in depression.

The Second:  Egocentric

In this scenario I say screw men.  Screw men in the sense that I won’t engage in relationships with them.  Screw men in the sense that screwing will become my only purpose for them.  God knows I’m emotionally detached from sex enough.  I seem to have an oxytocin problem, be it physical or psychological it’s there.  I’d focus on my career, which would in this scenario be some discipline of anthropology, which requires a lot of school and effort, and travel, but it won’t matter, as it will only be me.  I’d have cats.  I love cats.  Clearly, this is destiny.

The Problem with Egocentrism

I’d be alone.  I wouldn’t get the family I fantasize about.  I would be unhappy.  I might be fulfilled in my career, but that isn’t fulfilling for a life.

What it boils down to:  Someone, please, sweep me off my feet.

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